Wow, has it been that long since I posted? Time flies when you’re… pretty much doing anything at all.
I’ve been thinking that the usual crap I post isn’t all that interesting, engaging, unique, blah blah blah, and I realized that I just write about the day-to-day stuff, which is uninteresting, boring, generic, etc.
However, there have been interesting past events in my life that might keep you from falling unconscious from boredom and doing yourself an owwie. So begins a series of posts about profoundly weird shit that has happened to me in my life.
First:
I’m pretty sure I contributed to the breakup of Tom Green and Drew Barrymore.
(And scene:)
Back in the 90′s, I’m not sure when (Christmas ’98? I think so, but I’ll check later) I was home from work in the Army or something, and was helping Isla by taking a turn behind the cash at one of her stores. It was called Little Farm Pets, and this particular Little Farm store was the Rideau Centre in downtown Ottawa.
In walk, you guessed it, Mr. Green and the scion of the Barrymore acting dynasty. She was pretty, but without the miracle working abilities of a team of movie makeup guys a stunning disappointment. In the sense that she was human and not doing flying kicks off the ceiling.
During my first year in the military, one of my co-workers was a very nice young woman named Cpl. Tasha Easton. You get to know the people you work with, and Tasha had mentioned that prior to Tom Green’s becoming famous for fellating barnyard animals, they’d lived together for a while. I didn’t know if it was as roommates or boyfriend-girlfriend, and given that estrogen in general leaves me with a blank expression I didn’t really care.
So, Drew & Tom (and her mom, who was with them) wandered around until Drew picked out a dog bone for her dog. Tom takes it to the cash, and I help break them up.
“Hi, is that it for you today?” Me, being totally suave and pretending I don’t know who he is. I’m cool, baby.
“Yeah, thanks, that’s it.” Tom Green, not throwing feces or jumping on the elderly like he does on television, just being a normal person.
MONUMENTAL BONER ALERT:
“Hey Tom (we’re on first names, he’s buying a dog bone from me, right?) I used to work with Tasha Easton. Small world.”
“Umm,” says Tom.
You could hear Drew’s neck muscles whipcrack from across the room. Her body language changed from wandering around and looking at the kitties in the back to stalking over and being very angry while being very quiet.
Here’s where it gets a little foggy. Do I specifically remember her getting verbally bitchy with him in a public place, over the simple fact I implied he might have known in any capacity a woman in his life before he met Drew Barrymore? No. Do I think that’s what happened and I don’t want to swear something happened without specifically having witnessed it with my own eyes and ears?
Hell, yeah.
And then they flew back to La-La Land and got divorced.
I felt bad for Tom – I was just trying to say hey and make conversation, and maybe so I could say I met Tom Green. Unfortunately, now I can say I met Tom Green and possibly contributed to his divorce from a pretty and famous movie star with a warehouse full of money.
So, not so boring now, hey?
