A year or two ago I got a bug in my ear that since we have a solarium, we should get some plants to put in it and green up our place a little bit. Our real estate agent (the flamingest guy you ever met, his business card had a closeup photo of his abs) gave us a tiny little plant as a house-warming present, and that’s what I started with in my new hobby as an urban gardener.
I know this seems boring as hell, but give me a minute, it gets better.
The tiny lil’ plant, which started out comparable to Charlie Brown’s crappy little Christmas tree, has grown into a giant, scary fucking monster of a thing. It’s not a tree, really, or a bush, but if it’s a houseplant it’s the kind that would try to eat your head if it could. We tried to find an example of it online, but there were none to be found. I think any botanist who discovered a plant like this in the wild probably got swallowed by it.
I tried to weaken it by withholding water, but that just pissed it off.
This pic doesn’t really show the scale of the Green Monster, but the zap-straps you see holding up the stems, which are rapidly becoming branches, give you an idea of how big and freaky this thing is getting.
I swear to God I once heard this thing hiss at the dog.
The rest of the plants are just average, regular houseplants. I take great pride in them, for the sole reason that they’ve survived my care and attention.
Every one of them is doing great, except for this one:
You know why this guy is all kinds of messed up? I left him too close to the Green Monster, and it fucking ate him.
